If Valentines Day is Hard

Nobody wants to feel alone; but what if you do?  Especially on Valentine’s Day, what if you feel alone?

What if Valentines Day is Hard?

So, if this is you, it’s probably really no fun. And you’re not alone, even though it might feel like it. Many people struggle with holidays like Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is hard for many of us.

And if you are sad or angry about Valentine’s Day,  you might be in one of three places:

1. I’ve got him!  Although I’m not sure I want to keep him…

   Right? So you’ve got your guy, but things feel so bad that you’re wondering if he IS the right guy for you.  He’s just not there for you anymore. Or maybe’s he’s changed. He’s just not the same guy.  Maybe  you’ve tried so hard, to make things better, but nothing has worked. So, maybe he just isn’t the right one. Maybe another guy is the solution?

2. Where is she? What if I never find her?

   Being alone on Valentines Day, is fine. Right?!  You say this to yourself, you might even say it to others.  You can try to convince yourself that’s it’s okay.  But it hurts. You want someone who loves you completely. We all do! But that seems more and more unlikely as the time passes. Where is she after all? Will I ever find her?

3. He left me! He totally turned into a jerk, and I’m not sure I’ll risk doing that again.

   I thought he was the one.  He felt safe (at least at first) and seemed to be a good guy.  But then, it happened.  Just like I feared it would.  He became the jerk I was afraid he would.  I’m so angry.  If only I would have seen the signs.  If only I could have known he’d turn out to be like all the others. Well, this love stuff is just a bunch of bull.  I’m not sure I even want to try.

So if you can relate, I feel your pain!  I’ve been in all of these places before, most of us have. And if you’re really hurting, you might need to take some time.  Especially today.  Especially if Valentines Day is hard. You might need to try and make sense out of your confusion, feel the sadness, and you might even need to grieve the loss.  And then, when you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, I want to offer you hope.

There’s Good Reason to be Hopeful.

We are able to understand love in new and scientific ways. It’s not only the things that poets and song writers speak of.  It’s also a hard wired biologically based need inside of all humans.  And because of this, we now are able to measure “love”.  This might sound a bit crazy but it’s true.

We can and are measuring how strong love is (or isn’t) in relationships.  And not just for couples, but for parents and children too.  We can measure what happens to us when we don’t have it. We can measure what happens when we lose it. The word that therapists like myself use to describe “love”, is attachment.

Good News / Bad News

So if you’re not feeling so warm and fuzzy about Valentines Day, what can you do? What if Valentine’s Day is hard and it hurts? The good news is that there is good, solid science to help you find and create a love that lasts.  And that IS good news.  Because we didn’t have this type of science until the last decade or so. The bad news, well— is that if you’re love life sucks right now, you might want to make some changes. And change can be hard. But you might consider learning some different ways to be in relationships.

And there are ways, based in science available today to do just that.  Ways to help you create and keep the love that you want.  The love that you deserve.

What Can You Do?

So if Valentines Day is hard, and you’re open to something new, continue reading. As a licensed therapist, my clients as well as close friends ask me for solutions. They want the “inside scoop” on how relationships work. Especially if they are in pain —  they want it fixed!  And while there is no one size fits all, there are some key pieces of this relationship puzzle that can help. Here’s what I offer, when I’m asked.

If you’re a reader, two books that can really help are  Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson and The Neurobiology of We by Dr. Dan Siegel.  While they’re different, they both offer understanding of how and why attachment is so important.  And they do this based in science, not just their opinion.  They offer specific ways to change relationships for the better.

If you’re not a reader and want professional help fixing your relationship, I suggest a therapist that is Certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. It’s the most evidence based couples therapy out there.  It’s what I do with couples.  And it can transform relationships. The outcomes of this specific therapy are pretty impressive, stats show that 75% of couples get better, and stay better afterwards.

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